Teenager Behavior Modification - Are You Trapped In Denial?

One of the most common comments for parents of teens to say is "I'm glad my teenager is not doing (fill in the blank)."

The comment is understandable. The question is, is it the truth? Or will mom or dad use this comment as a way to distance themselves from the signs of unhealthy teenager behavior in their home? A parent will never develop a teenager behavior modification plan and strive for healthy results if they are not even aware of any challenges.

This is denial. Denial is a huge parenting trap to avoid if you want to help your teen grow up and not stay stuck in the cozy world of immaturity.

If you find that denial in some form is where you are trapped as a parent, don't despair. This is such a common problem that I would guess almost all parents struggle with it in some form during their parenting careers. I know I have.

Of course, the real challenge here is that teens DO have real problems and ignoring those problems is a great recipe for disaster.

== Shaking Your Head and Clearing the Denial Cobwebs

So let's move ahead. Before you can help modify your teenager's behavior you need to know the facts. Start by taking a deep breath, opening your eyes wide and taking a long hard look at your teen's current life.

Should you snoop? In my humble opinion, after nearly 28 years of parenting both boys and girls, my answer is a resounding YES - with strings attached.

I do understand the need for privacy and I highly value a respectful home. My position with my own children has always been, "I will not snoop as a matter of course, but if you give me a reason to need to know in greater detail what you are doing, I will leave no sock unturned."

If your teen is exhibiting troublesome signs of drug use, promiscuity, school problems, or extreme friendship concerns (for starters) these are all "reason to need to know in greater detail" and it is your responsibility as your child's parent to know completely what's going on in their life so you can make wise decisions about helping and guiding them. Period.

Another issue that needs to be addressed here is that teens themselves are often in states of denial concerning their behaviors. They simply don't have the maturity, perspective or experience to fully comprehend the consequences of their actions. However, they live in a culture which urges them "to grow up" - now.

Drug and alcohol use, sexual activity and skipping school are not signs of grown-up behavior! Our teens need to know that true adult behavior is defined in terms of respect, self-control, and service to others.

Talking to your child's teachers and friends is another important tool in your denial exposure efforts. Be sure and listen carefully, with both your heart and your head. Take notes, if it helps you keep information straight, especially if you are hearing things that you are finding hard to believe or are painful.

Finally, give yourself time to process this vital information. Pray, talk to a trusted advisor as well as your spouse (if married) before you confront your teen. Recognize that for your teen to come to the place in which they'll be able to modify their behavior they will need to feel they can trust you and that doesn't come through screaming matches.

Teenager behavior modification is a complex process simply because humans are involved. Don't complicate the scenario by engaging in denial and refusing to see the reality in your home. That will only cause you and your teen greater pain. Use the resources and wisdom available to you as a parent and help your precious teen move forward into a better future. Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 27 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at http://www.paintedgold.com. Visit her website and find out more about teenager behavior modification at http://www.paintedgold.com/Kids/teenage-behavior.html .
Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 27 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at http://www.paintedgold.com. Visit her website and find out more about teenager behavior modification at http://www.paintedgold.com/Kids/teenage-behavior.html .

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Submitted on: 2009-07-15